


The heart wants what it wants

by Jus10D



Series: Secret lovers [1]
Category: Cycling RPF, cyclocross
Genre: Cheating, M/M, affair, cyclocross - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 20:37:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20052193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jus10D/pseuds/Jus10D
Summary: When there builds a tention between cyclocross stars Wout van Aert and Mathieu van der Poel, they fall victim of their own decisions. Because the heart wants what it wants, baby.





	The heart wants what it wants

Mathieu was walking quickly through the streets of this town he’s grown used to know over the past couple of months. He had a cap on that he pulled low to cover his eyes, the coat he was wearing was a size too big to make him look a bit baggier. He made sure to wear clothes he wouldn’t be seen in otherwise. He parked his car a few streets further, never on the same place twice. The route he was taking to where he had to go, he changed every so often. He had nothing with him, except for the key of his car. He left his phone at home and his wallet in the car. He’s clearly not on his way to meet a friend to have a drink with. Mathieu arrived at the building and covered the numberpad with his hand before entering the code. The door opened and he quickly got in. It’s the 24th time he’s done this and even though he hates that this is the way it’s going, he’s not going to be the one calling it off. Mathieu knew he wouldn’t be the first one there so he collected his breath and went past the second door. That’s when he relaxed a little, past this point he’s sure he won’t be meeting anyone that can’t know he’s there. He ran up the stairs and took off his smartwatch turning it off, no one has to know his details of the next hour.

Mathieu was right, when he got up the stairs the door was already open. He opened his coat now and took off his hat, going through his hair before opening the door. He wasn’t nervous, he knew exactly what was going to happen. It was gonna be fast and no one would know about it. He scanned the room when he got in and closed the door behind him, locking it. Just to be sure. Arms wound themselves around him from behind, making his heart jump. Mathieu quickly relaxed in the embrace. He turned around to be faced with his eternal rival, Wout van Aert. Wout pushed Mathieu against the door and kissed him eagerly.

This has all started years ago. Mathieu has known Wout since he was 10. Because they lived too far away from each other, they never actually became friends. Mathieu won every single race he entered and Wout was happy to finish top 10 at that age. They saw each other every weekend but didn’t really pay attention to that too much. It was in 2014 when Wout suddenly had changed a lot. Mathieu still remembers the first time he noticed that little Wout had grown out to be a very muscular athlete. That’s also when they started being real competition to each other. From not really bothering the presence of the Belgian guy, he suddenly felt a little fire burn every time he saw Wout on the field. He couldn’t really point his finger to what it was, it caused a big tension to grow between the two of them. Behind podium chats became snappy and harsh when no one else was around.

It was Wout who took the initiative to solve this. At the 2014 Nommay World Cup instead of going back to his own team hotel, Wout followed the dutch team to theirs. Mathieu had gone back earlier so he didn’t know that if he opened his hotel door he would see Wout van Aert standing there. The urge to just shut the door again and pretend he wasn’t there was very big. “What are you doing here?” Mathieu asked, he tried to be cool and collected. Even though he felt the opposite of that right now. Wout sighed and looked if there wasn’t anyone in the hallway before he went inside. Mathieu stepped aside, not wanting to be too close to the other guy. Wout closed the door behind him and walked inside, not waiting on Mathieu to do anything. “What’s your problem with me?” Mathieu didn’t move from where he was still standing close to the door. “uhm… is there a problem then?” bad lying, Wout rolled his eyes. “Mathieu, we can’t go on like this.” He raised his voice a little bit, his frustration showed. Mathieu didn’t know why he felt so tingly inside. He didn’t know what was going on either. So he stayed silent. The older guy didn’t take the silence and walked closer. “You’re being immature, look me in the eyes and tell me what’s going on. I want to fix this.” He was standing eye to eye with Wout now and he felt intimidated, he didn’t like looking him in the eyes. It made him feel powerless. Like there was an urge inside of him when that happened. “Mathieu, please” Wout whispered softly and that’s when Mathieu cracked. He didn’t hit him, he didn’t name call him, he didn’t hurt him. Mathieu lost it and kissed him. Now he knew what kind of tension there was between them. It was when Mathieu pushed Wout against the wall that the other man got from under his force and without saying anything slipped out of the room again.

“You’re eager” Mathieu said when Wout let go. He took off his coat and walked through the appartement, pouring himself a glass of water before looking the cyclist in the eyes. It was the first time he actually looked at him today. They were never dressed up too nice for their little meetings, Wout was wearing a pair of training pants and a worn t-shirt. He could pull off about everything. “You want some?” Mathieu asked holding up the glass of water. Wout shook his head but walked closer, Mathieu watched his every step “There’s something else I want though.” another eager kiss didn’t surprise Mathieu. Lust, that was the only reason of their relationship. He loved Roxanne, but he still longed for Wout. Wout took the glass out of Mathieu his hands and slipped his hand under Mathieu his t-shirt, the other one holding him close. His wedding band felt cold against Mathieu his skin, he wondered what Wout told Sarah. Was it always the same lie? Was there some friend covering for him? He didn’t need to know, they never actually talk on meetings like this. It was actually the first time he comes here since living with Roxanne, he felt very bad having to lie to her. David always covers for him, he doesn’t know what for but he does. That’s what brothers do, right. It feels different though now.

The first few years they met up, it was fairly innocent. Secret kisses, hands going places. They didn’t really talk about it, they didn’t really talk that much at all. They wouldn’t text each other besides racing stuff or meet up in any way. To the world they were just rivals in the field. It was after the 2016 world championships in Zolder that this changed. Mathieu hadn’t taken the effort to clean up his face before going through all the post race interviews. He was angry, filled with adrenaline. His legs didn’t do what he wanted them to do, now he feels unfulfilled, restless. It was in the Sporza studio’s that he met Wout for the first time since the race ended. He's the new world champion, the rainbow jersey he was wearing was still white as snow. Mathieu was just leaving the studio when Wout entered. “Congrats” was the only thing Mathieu said to Wout out loud. No one noticed how the way he said it was any different, but Wout must have. Mathieu passed Wout very close on purpose “I’ll wait for you in your hotel room right after this, come alone” he whispered it before anyone could notice and caught Wout his eyes to see if he had got it. When he got his confirmation Mathieu left with a mission. He finally showered and got in his car, it didn’t take him much effort to get in the hotel room of the new world champion. His suitcase is still there, it means that Wout has an excuse to come and swing by before going home. Mathieu wasn’t planning on making Wout’s detour very long. He’d lie if it didn’t excite him, knowing that he’d be the first one to touch the new world champion. His girlfriend would never know, but Mathieu’d be the first one to feel his warm body on top of him. He wanted Wout like he never had him before. Mathieu was just going through Wout’s cupboard when the door opened and in no time the muscular cyclist picked him up wildly. Mathieu Van der Poel always got his way.

They’ve calmed down a lot since that first time. Lust is the reason why they meet up, but there’s no point in denying there is love involved in the way how they treat each other. Wout’s kiss has turned in a very soft and gentle one. It felt so good that he didn’t want it. He wanted Wout, now. Mathieu pushed against him so Wout'd be standing against the kitchen counter and he tried to pull the string of Wout his pants. Wout stopped him by taking hold of the hand and lifted Mathieu up instead. Mathieu crossed his legs behind him so he wouldn’t fall. “I want you to fuck me Wout” he said, Wout was carrying him to the bedroom. He’s always been more of the caring and soft one of the two of them. Most of the times Mathieu just wanted to get it over with, today being no different. “I want to treat you how you deserve to be treated, champion.” He said it soft and sweet but threw Mathieu forceful on the bed. Climbing on top of him and holding him down. That's an offer he won't turn down.

A few ground rules between the two of them were left unsaid, but were followed strictly. Every meeting is planned in person, but never discussed at a race. It’s always during the week but the day differs and they like to leave Fridays out, the time is somewhere in the afternoon but changes and it’s never too early or too late. Mathieu used to be very easily contacted, him being single until last year. It’s always Sarah they had to be careful about. If she got even a bit suspicious about Wout his plans, he called it off. Then he’d text Mathieu a “X” and delete the message right after. They never talk about their feelings or what going on in their lives, they need to keep a certain distance after all. The only problem with unspoken rules is that the other person might have different rules. 

Mathieu his last rule had been broken by Wout the last time they had sex. He’d told Mathieu that he had missed him after Mathieu being away on altitude training camp. Mathieu hasn’t been able to get Wout his words out of his head ever since. Wout wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t mean it. It made today feel different, it made today feel as if he was a cheater. He’s having an affair with a married man, a married famous cyclist. That’s who’s going at him now, that’s who he’s cheating on his girlfriend with. It’s changed from what it once was. Luckily Wout did not disappoint and made Mathieu forget about everything he was worrying about. He was now laying in Wout his arms, resting his head on his lover’s muscled chest. He closed his eyes and let Wout his fingers softly go over his upper body. Normally, Mathieu would’ve been up and out of the door already. But it’s 3 in the afternoon and Roxanne won’t be home until 5.30 pm, so he doesn’t see the point of leaving now. “Sometimes, when I’m on my own on the road.” Wout started now going through Mathieu his hair. Mathieu listened to the low voice while he felt the vibrations of it going through him. “I think about what and how you’d be doing and it drives me insane.” Mathieu doesn’t respond. “Sometimes, I wish I could be with you every single moment of the day. I want to get to know how you are when you’re tired late at night and want to know how you are when you wake up. I want to travel the world with you and have sex everywhere we go. I want to be there when you win and I want to be there when you lose.” Mathieu now turns to look at Wout. He wouldn’t just say this. He sometimes thinks about that as well you know, how it would be if they could be. How he would do if he could be up there next to Wout. How would they work as a couple? They’ll never find out. Because this is the closest they’ll come.

“Why are you saying this to me?” Instead of showing his own vulnerability he wanted to know why Wout showed him his. Wout shook his head and caressed Mathieu his face. He looked at him as if he was taking a picture with his eyes. He let go of a sigh and rubbed his eyes. Now that Mathieu is actually paying attention he notices that Wout looks really tired, he looks worn out. This isn't the Wout he once knew. “Sarah is pregnant”

The news dropped like a bomb. Mathieu sat up to understand what was going on. And then it hit him Wout really wasn’t saying any of this just because. The way he handled Mathieu softly, how sweet he was while they were doing it, how he was stroking him and kissing him after. The sweet words. This was his way of saying goodbye. “And you want to stop this” Mathieu was getting a bit frustrated. And not that much because of Wout wanting to stop this, because he gets that. He gets that Wout wants to be a father and live a happy life with his wife. Mathieu wouldn’t want to ruin that for him in any way. He’s a bit taken a back because it means he’ll lose his Wout. Wout shook his head and lay down in Mathieu his lap. The brown eyes had tears forming in them. “If I could, Mathieu. I’d never end things between us. I’d end things between her and me. But..-“ “She’s carrying your child.” “And I want to be a good dad, Mathieu. I want to give my little girl all of the world.” He could picture Wout being a very good dad. He'd smother his princes with love and care. That's his future now.

“And a good dad doesn’t sleep around with another man.” Wout didn’t respond but just dried his eyes. “Would you have done it again?” Mathieu now asked his almost ex-lover. Seeing as it was going to be the last time they met up, he might as well break all of his rules. “Yes, immediately. But never like this. I would’ve taken you out on a date and would want us to build a future together. Fuck what other people think. You’re the most special person I’ve ever met in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I also enjoyed the secretive meetings and the steamy sex. You turn me on the way you look at me at races. But the last couple of times it felt more and more as if what we’re doing is dirty. Pants off no longer than 20 minutes, that’s not what I want to do anymore.” Mathieu didn’t like what was going on. “Were you going to tell me?” He then asked softly. “If it didn’t come up, then I’m not sure.”

“This isn’t fair towards me Wout. I don’t want to lose you, I’m not ready for that. You knew, you prepared for this to be our last time. You’re just leaving me in the cold right now.” Tears were now welling up in Mathieu his eyes as well. He felt powerless, he wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. “You’re blaming me for choosing my wife and unborn child?” “I’m blaming you for having a wife in the first place while we were happening.” Wout was getting up and putting on his underwear. Was he leaving?

“Does Roxanne know about us then?” That’s a shot below the hips. “What did you want me to do? Wait for you to choose me while you’re going steady and getting married?” Wout stopped fastening his pants and looked at Mathieu in shock. Mathieu had hit a sensitive spot and was going to be hit by an anger he didn’t know Wout was holding. “What? Do you even know what I’ve done to be able to catch your attention. Do you even realise how you used me as your doll every time you got horny or wanted to make out. You didn’t text me, you didn’t talk to me, you acted as if you didn’t know me when other people were around. You showed no respect to me whatsoever, you made me feel as if I wasn’t worthy of love. And I was the fool, of course. I was the idiot that let everything happen. Because which fool says no when his crush wants to make out with him? Who says no if he can get a good lay? I didn’t say anything because I was afraid of losing you if I did. So every time I saw those blue eyes of yours I fell for it all over again. I have the sweetest girl at home waiting for me right now. She had to teach me what love was, she had to show me how to communicate, she taught me that I shouldn’t settle for less than what I deserve. And while my wife who never stops saying that she loves me, is waiting for me at home. I’m cheating on her with a guy that can’t even see the impact of his actions. And I can’t even blame you, 'cause no one ever points them out. I don’t, Roxanne doesn’t, your brother doesn’t. We all just let Mathieu van der Poel have his way until it burns us down. And why? Because we love him. So in the end, I’ll always be the fool.” He’s dressed and ready to go by the time he’s finished his rant. Mathieu has tears in his eyes and can’t do anything but just look at Wout.

He had ruined the best thing in his life by being the biggest fuck up he could’ve been and knowing he hurt Wout so much made him sick to the stomach. But he stayed silent because that’s all he’s ever done. He doesn’t know how to talk about his feelings. Feelings are bad, or at least that’s what he keeps telling himself. They end up hurting people. It's no different this time. “I got to go Mathieu. I hope you understand. I’ll always remember us this way. Keep care, I love you.” Wout kissed Mathieu his forehead and rubbed his shoulder before picking up his shoes and keys. The door fell shut behind him, closing off this chapter in both of their lives.

**Author's Note:**

> I based the location on the loft movie, where one of them has a bunch of friends who're also cheating there. This time without the murders.


End file.
